I am so pissed at that good for nothing Fennel today... How dare he say that the conditions at the CWG Village were unfit for human habitation! I have been there at least 53 times, and I have always seen daily labourers blissfully urinating, defecating or sleeping in those rooms. Why, at least 7 of the 223 "Paan Pichkaris" were made by me when I was competing with Mr. Gill... Ah! What a glorious moment that was, it won me some 200 rupees as well!... So how dare Fennel say that the conditions at the village were unhygienic!!! I mean a couple of stray dogs here and there might have pooped (in the western style lavatories, mind you!), all that these firangs need to do was to flush it!... I mean do they really need to stare at the shithole!
Personally I feel, we should leave the commonwealth... I mean, Pratibha Patil is as good as Queen Elizabeth... And enough of these foreign white-skinned rascals!, don't they act pricey... lets invite the Africans, possibly some pacific states, add Nepal, Bangladesh, Pakistan and Afghanistan to the list... And Brava! There you have it... A superb international assembly of the finest sportspersons in the world!... Plus, India will have a real good chance to finally win some medals...And, they won't mind relieving themselves in Sulabh Shauchalayas or even in the nature... We can feed them rotis and pyaaz and they'll be over the moon!....
I don't know why the media still hates me.... I mean, I've not taken any bribes for 2 whole days now, and even as I write this, I am refusing to take a 2% cut in supremely overpriced tissue paper rolls and yet they continue to spew venom against me! So what if I made a couple of millions of rupees... Don't I deserve it? A man my age must be taken care of by the government, and here I am... Going from vendor to vendor... Contractor to contractor... artificially inflating prices... devising the formulae for commission, ensuring all ministers' relatives get some contracts and yet they blame ME!... How unfair can the world be!
So what the tiles fell from the ceiling the other day, or the collapse of the footbridge... Is it really that big a deal.... Who is going to notice 2 missing tiles! and how about crossing the road for a change!... Why do you need the overbridge? These delhiites too get on my nerves...especially that old hag... Sheila Dixit... Does she have nothing better to do than sit and supervise MY work?... How about applying ointment to her arthritic knees... I gave her full 30% of my earnings and yet she criticizes me... And that ageing bearded buffoon... He's already clipped my wings enough and yet he continues to entertain my foes!... I thought he belonged to my Party!
Last of all, let me spend one paragraph expressing my hatred towards Mani Shankar Aiyer!... That clown revealed my plan to the world even as I was hatching it and all because I wouldn't give let him win the "Paan ki Pichkari" contest! Had it not been for him, I wouldn't have had to start behaving efficiently so soon... I'd probably even have made a couple of million more rupees!
Anyways... I have done my bit for the glory of the erstwhile British Empire... God save the Queen and her Commonwealth....
Suresh Kalmadi
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