Hammer and the tickle- I

I have been reading a lot on humour in the former Communist countries of East Europe and the Soviet union (I have also been pasting a lot of it on my FB wall!!)... I though it would be a good idea to put some of the jokes here!... Please note that I claim no credit for these jokes (or for that matter even the title of the post!)... I guess that would make this post more readable than the rest ;)


Radio Yerevan Humour:

1. Q.) Is it true that half of the members of the Central Committee are idiots?
    A.) Rubbish. Half of the central committee are not idiots

2. Q.) I don’t know what’s the matter with me. I don’t love the Party any more. I feel nothing at all for        
          Comrade Brezhnev or any of the other leaders of the Party. What should I do?
    A.) Please send us your name and address.

3. Q.) What is the definition of the Supreme Soviet of the USSR?
    A.) The Supreme Soviet is a collective organ of Soviet authority, consisting of two types of people: those
         who are absolutely incapable of anything, and those who are capable of absolutely everything.

4. Q.) In the glorious Soviet Union, Which four factors inhibit the agricultural development?
    A.) Spring, Summer, Autumn and Winter.

5. Q.) Is it true that Adam and Eve were the first communists?
    A.) Probably, yes. They both dressed very sparingly, they had modest requirements toward food, they
          never had their own house, and on top of all that, they believed that they were living in the paradise.

6. Q.) When the final phase of socialism, namely communism, is built, will there still be thefts and pilfering?
    A.) No, because everything will be already pilfered during socialism.

7. Q.) Would it be possible to bring Socialism to the Sahara?
    A.) But after the first five year plan, they'll have to import sand.

8. Q.) Can Communism also be in the USA?
    A.) Yes. But who would give the glorious Soviet Union wheat then?

9. Q.) Why did they establish a Ministry of Navy in landlocked Armenia?
    A.) To spite Azerbaijan. They established a Ministry of Culture!!!

10. Q.) We are told that the communism is already seen at the horizon. What then is a horizon?
      A.) Horizon is an imaginary line which moves away each time you approach it.

11. Q.) What is the most permanent feature of our socialist economy?
      A.) Temporary shortages!!!

12. Q.) What is the difference between the capitalist and the socialist trade?
      A.) Capitalist trade means everything is to be sold...Socialist trade means everything is to be bought!!!

13. Q.) What should we do if the Western borders of the USSR were opened?
    A.) Rush to Siberia at once in order not to be crushed in the stampede

14. Q.) Will the police still exist when communism is built?
      A.) Of course, not.By that time, all citizens will have learned how to arrest themselves

15. Q.) Is it possible to build socialism in Switzerland?
    A.) It's possible, but why? Did Switzerland really do something wrong to you?

16. Q.) What is the duration of the workday in a socialist country?
      A.) Of course, it's an eight-hour workday: from eight am to eight pm.

17. Q.) Why do we need two central newspapers, Pravda (Truth) and Izvestiya (News) if both are organs of the same Party?
    A.) Because in Pravda there is no news, and in Izvestiya there is no truth.

18. Q.) What to do if a man you don't know takes a seat at your table in a pub and starts to sigh?
      A.) Immediately Ask him to cease with the anti-Soviet propaganda.

19. Q.) Radio, Yerevan, Why did you not broadcast for such a long time?
      A.) We had to make some changes in our staff.   The previous broadcaster, while reading an article that
             contained the words ‘Socialism is nothing as compared with communism,’ made a pause too long
             after the word ‘nothing'...

20. Q.) Radio Yerevan, Is it possible to solve a problem which has no solution?
      A.) We don't answer questions related to Soviet agriculture!!!

More will follow!!! :D