I took my life today. Frankly, I had had enough… I felt that my soul was ‘dying’ to break free of the shackles that bound it to my body. This aimless, purposeless existence was too much to take and so I decided to end my life. I did for a moment ponder over my decision, which would undoubtedly be viewed as cowardly and most certainly irreligious, but then, I just couldn’t take it anymore. What was the point trying to live as ‘Captains Courageous’ in front of a world that just didn’t matter? And what was the point trying to live for a God that had most certainly abandoned me totally? And so, I decided to end my life.
I thought of means, both old and new to accomplish the task at hand. All of a sudden, my life had a purpose, a motive and I realized it was this ‘kick’ that I had been waiting for, all my life. I thought of hanging myself by the fan, but discarded the idea as soon as it crept into my head. It would be too painful, I thought… And imagine the sight that would greet the people who’d discover me this way… Eyes protruding outwards… Neck tilted on one side… And I was pretty sure that I my tongue would also loll outwards… Certainly not a very pretty sight… Next option was to sever the vein on the hand and bring an end to this futile existence. But then, It would once again be messy… My body lying in a pool of blood, writhing with agony… And what if I couldn’t take the pain and wanted to reverse my decision?... Where would that leave me?... This option too was discarded… Head on the rail tracks would ruin my face totally… And what if it was this face that I would have to carry about in the afterlife?... Idea dropped…
I finally settled on poisoning myself to death… Anyways, life had become a poison that I had been drinking for 25 years of my sordid existence… Why not end life the same way?... That inconspicuous bottle of phenyl, in the corner of the bathroom would open the door of the ‘Other world’… I was certain that I would go to hell, but was equally sure that Hell would be better than this continued existence… That one bottle of phenyl would drown all my sins and cleanse me once and for all…
Presently, I opened the bottle of phenyl… My mind was made up… there was not one bit of hesitation… I felt calm and at ease with myself… And then, I gulped down the liquid… I have to admit, It didn’t taste good at all… rather, It tasted quite bad actually… If I had a chance, I would have preferred to die by cutting off the vein, but anyways I labored on… I drank almost half the bottle, before the burning sensation in the throat made it impossible for me to continue. My throat singed… it burnt… And I think that’s what did me in… I think I died when that pungent liquid seared my throat…I saw myself in the mirror for the last time… And for the first time, understood the meaning of ‘Deathly pallor’… And just for record’s sake, images from my life did not zip past me as I was expecting… Before long, I was no more…
And yet, for some strange reason, I was… I was right there… In front of my own limp and lifeless form… I could see my old self and yet I couldn’t see my new self… I was still in front of the mirror and yet the mirror refused to return my reflection!... I tried to touch the mirror, but it was a strange experience… While I could touch it, I couldn’t sense it… My hands, it seemed, had gone numb… Maybe, that is what it felt like to be dead… Maybe, this was my soul, formless, yet full of life!...
All of a sudden, everything went dark…I mean pitch dark…and I felt as though I was being sucked through vacuum, which was weird because I certainly wasn’t moving and the distance between me and my lifeless body was still the same… I guess, the closest word I can use to describe the sensation is “Splinched” as in ‘people getting splinched while “disapparating” in Harry Potter books… It certainly was very painful and it was giving me a terrible headache, which again was weird because this was unlike the usual ‘headaches’… It was more like something was being sucked out through my skull…Soon though, all the darkness dissipated and there was clear light… Crystal clear…Light that was purest of pure and whitest of white…
I guessed this was where they delivered the verdict on one’s life… I was sure I had been assigned to hell and was more or less resigned to my ‘fate’… Presently, a voice addressed me… It seemed to be coming from far far away and yet seemed to be clear… It announced a small snapshot of my life, my sins & my virtues and asked me one wish that it would not deny to me… I had been waiting for this chance since my death… All I wanted was to be with my body till it was disposed of… And this is exactly what I told the mysterious voice… My wish was granted and once again the “Splinching” feeling returned… Light disappeared and darkness took its place and in a moment’s time I was back in my room, facing my lifeless form…
-to be continued (hopefully)
