A tale of two Queens-Part I

"If they don't have bread, let them eat cake"… This statement attributed to Marie Antoinette is apocryphal. She never did utter these words… The Austrian born, Queen of France, wasn't even aware of the state of affairs in France outside her luxurious, opulent royal palace at Versailles. All she probably cared for was her jewels, her dresses, her husband and her children…

France detested her… The Parisians, tired of the rising prices of bread and the apparent impoverishment of the once magnificent nation, called her L'autre chienne (the other bitch!), a pun on the word "L'Autrichienne (The Austrian)… There were stories on the extent of debauchery within the royal household… There were tales that called her a whore...and a drunken whore at that. Frankly, France had never taken a liking to this Austrian princess who had married into French royalty. The wedding, albeit, a political masterpiece that ended centuries of hostility between France and Austria, had failed to impress the masses…She remained too distant, too aloof for the masses to even attempt to like her…

France, for all that Marie cared, could rot in hell. She never did like the formal, aristocratic court culture in Versailles. She didn't like the continuous intrusions into her private life. She didn't like it that she was constantly told to behave like a Queen of France. She did not like the restrictions that were placed on her. And she did not like it that her own Husband would not indulge her… While France alleged that the Queen was barren, when she failed to produce a heir for several years after marriage, she knew that the fault lay with the King of France. Her personal life, probably had more in common with the life of her subjects outside Versailles- impoverished, unhappy and frustrating. What she couldn't find in her husband and the royal court, she found in jewels and dresses and later, in her own children.

France, in the meanwhile continued to smolder... Dissatisfaction gave way to full blown mutiny...Marie was shocked at the extent of disenchantment and discontentment with which the masses greeted her when the French Revolution broke out… Evicted from Versailles, the royal family lived under the vigilant eyes of revolutionary Parisians. The Austrian invasion against revolutionary France, coupled with the threat that Paris would be obliterated if any harm came to the royal couple did not endear the Queen to her captors. The revolutionaries came to regard L'autre chienne as the traitor of the worst order. Her life, they reasoned would imply death for revolutionary France...

And so, even though the revolution had already devoured her husband, the King, it proceeded to try the Queen. She was accused of being an Austrian spy, of having sold out the wealth of France to Austria, of having done disservice to her adopted nation and the most ridiculous of them all, of having indulged in incestuous relationship with her children. Marie, who had so far listened to the charges, with her head bowed low, with an acceptance of the fate that awaited her, now broke her silence. Trembling with rage, it was the mother and not the Queen who now addressed the court. She accused the revolutionaries of having dishonored her, of having taken her children away from her, of having reduced her to a wretched existence, of having made her a widow and probably having already murdered her children too. She looked at the common womenfolk who had assembled to watch the trial and asked them what her crime was. She demanded compassion, she demanded justice… She demanded liberty…

There was a collective gasp from the assembled womenfolk… The revolutionary court would not permit the revolution to be unravelled in its very own presence. The judgment was swift and crisp. Marie knew the outcome…She was to be guillotined.

A wooden cart used to transport criminals to the Guillotine awaited the former Queen of France. Her "revolutionary" captors thought this would befit a former Queen who had now been reduced to a citizen. She was marched through the streets of Paris. Among boos and jeers, she tried to maintain her dignity. She remained calm. She had hated behaving like the Queen of France all her life, but she was ready to greet death as nothing less than the Queen of France.

The Guillotine came down with a loud thud. Marie Antoinette never did get a chance to like France.

Hammer and the tickle- I

I have been reading a lot on humour in the former Communist countries of East Europe and the Soviet union (I have also been pasting a lot of it on my FB wall!!)... I though it would be a good idea to put some of the jokes here!... Please note that I claim no credit for these jokes (or for that matter even the title of the post!)... I guess that would make this post more readable than the rest ;)


Radio Yerevan Humour:

1. Q.) Is it true that half of the members of the Central Committee are idiots?
    A.) Rubbish. Half of the central committee are not idiots

2. Q.) I don’t know what’s the matter with me. I don’t love the Party any more. I feel nothing at all for        
          Comrade Brezhnev or any of the other leaders of the Party. What should I do?
    A.) Please send us your name and address.

3. Q.) What is the definition of the Supreme Soviet of the USSR?
    A.) The Supreme Soviet is a collective organ of Soviet authority, consisting of two types of people: those
         who are absolutely incapable of anything, and those who are capable of absolutely everything.

4. Q.) In the glorious Soviet Union, Which four factors inhibit the agricultural development?
    A.) Spring, Summer, Autumn and Winter.

5. Q.) Is it true that Adam and Eve were the first communists?
    A.) Probably, yes. They both dressed very sparingly, they had modest requirements toward food, they
          never had their own house, and on top of all that, they believed that they were living in the paradise.

6. Q.) When the final phase of socialism, namely communism, is built, will there still be thefts and pilfering?
    A.) No, because everything will be already pilfered during socialism.

7. Q.) Would it be possible to bring Socialism to the Sahara?
    A.) But after the first five year plan, they'll have to import sand.

8. Q.) Can Communism also be in the USA?
    A.) Yes. But who would give the glorious Soviet Union wheat then?

9. Q.) Why did they establish a Ministry of Navy in landlocked Armenia?
    A.) To spite Azerbaijan. They established a Ministry of Culture!!!

10. Q.) We are told that the communism is already seen at the horizon. What then is a horizon?
      A.) Horizon is an imaginary line which moves away each time you approach it.

11. Q.) What is the most permanent feature of our socialist economy?
      A.) Temporary shortages!!!

12. Q.) What is the difference between the capitalist and the socialist trade?
      A.) Capitalist trade means everything is to be sold...Socialist trade means everything is to be bought!!!

13. Q.) What should we do if the Western borders of the USSR were opened?
    A.) Rush to Siberia at once in order not to be crushed in the stampede

14. Q.) Will the police still exist when communism is built?
      A.) Of course, not.By that time, all citizens will have learned how to arrest themselves

15. Q.) Is it possible to build socialism in Switzerland?
    A.) It's possible, but why? Did Switzerland really do something wrong to you?

16. Q.) What is the duration of the workday in a socialist country?
      A.) Of course, it's an eight-hour workday: from eight am to eight pm.

17. Q.) Why do we need two central newspapers, Pravda (Truth) and Izvestiya (News) if both are organs of the same Party?
    A.) Because in Pravda there is no news, and in Izvestiya there is no truth.

18. Q.) What to do if a man you don't know takes a seat at your table in a pub and starts to sigh?
      A.) Immediately Ask him to cease with the anti-Soviet propaganda.

19. Q.) Radio, Yerevan, Why did you not broadcast for such a long time?
      A.) We had to make some changes in our staff.   The previous broadcaster, while reading an article that
             contained the words ‘Socialism is nothing as compared with communism,’ made a pause too long
             after the word ‘nothing'...

20. Q.) Radio Yerevan, Is it possible to solve a problem which has no solution?
      A.) We don't answer questions related to Soviet agriculture!!!

More will follow!!! :D