Hammer & the tickle-II

The second part of the post on Soviet era jokes... Enjoy!

1. “What is the difference between the capitalist and the socialist trade?”

A.  “Capitalist trade means everything is to be sold.Socialist trade means everything is to be bought.”

2. “What shall we do if suddenly we feel a desire to work?”

A. “Just rest for a while on a sofa. It will pass.”

3. “What is the easiest way to explain the meaning of the word ‘communism’?”

A.“By means of fists.”

4. “What to do if vodka interferes with the job?”

A. “Get off the job.”

5. “Why Lenin wore regular shoes, but Stalin wore boots?”

A.“At Lenin's time, Russia was still only ankle-high in shit.”

6. “Can a son of a General become a Marshal?”
A. “No, because every Marshal also has a son.”

7. “What is an exchange of opinions?”

A.“When you walk into your boss's office with your opinion and walk out with his.”

8. “What is the difference between the Constitutions of the USA and USSR?” Both guarantee freedom of speech.”

A. “Yes, but the Constitution of the USA also guarantees freedom after the speech.”

9. Is it true that there is freedom of speech in the Soviet Union the same as there is in the USA?

A: In principle, yes. In the USA, you can stand in front of the White House in Washington, DC, and yell, "Down with Reagan!", and you will not be punished. Just the same, you can stand in the Red Square in Moscow and yell, "Down with Reagan!", and you will not be punished.

10. “What is permitted and what is prohibited?”

A. “In England, what is permitted, is permitted, and what is prohibited, is prohibited.

      In America everything is permitted except for what is prohibited.

      In Germany everything is prohibited except for what is permitted.

      In France everything is permitted, even what is prohibited.

      In the USSR everything is prohibited, even what is permitted."

11.“Why Solzhenitsyn, Brodsky, Bukovsky, and other dissidents have been exiled from the country?”

A. “Don't you know that the best products are always selected for export?”

12. Yuri Gagarin’s daughter answers the phone.‘No, mummy and daddy are out,’ she says.‘Daddy’s orbiting the earth, and he’ll be back tonight at 7 o’clock.  But mummy’s gone shopping for groceries, so who knows when she’ll be home.’

13. "What is chaos?"

A. "We do not comment on national economics."

14. "Is it true that the poet Vladimir Mayakovsky committed suicide?"

A. "Yes, it is true, and even the record of his very last words is preserved: ´Don't shoot, comrades.´"

15. "Is there censorship of the press and radio in the Soviet Union?"

A."In principle no, but it is unfortunately not possible to go into this question in any detail at the present time."

16. "What will be the results of the next elections?"

A. "Nobody can tell.Somebody has stolen yesterday the exact results of the next elections from the office of the Central Committee of the USSR."

17. "When Nixon visited Moscow, he and Khrushchev had a race around the Kremlin. Nixon came the first. How should our media report on that?"

A: As follows: In the international running competition the General Secretary of the Communist Party took the honorable second place, while President Nixon came in next to last.

18.  What's the difference between a capitalist fairy tale and a Marxist fairy tale?

A: The capitalist fairy tale starts out; "once upon a time there was....", The Marxist fairy tale starts out; "some day there will be...."

19. "Is it true that the Soviet Union is the most progressive country in the world?"

A: Of course! The life was already better yesterday than it's going to be tomorrow!

20. Khrushchev visited a pig farm and was photographed there. In a newspaper's office, a discussion is under way what should be the caption under the picture. "Comrade Khrushchev among pigs," "Comrade Khrushchev and pigs," "Pigs around comrade Khrushchev,"—all is rejected. Finally the editor makes the decision. The caption is "The third from left - comrade Khrushchev.