Tuesday, December 21, 2010

All in a day!



I know that God loves to have fun at the expense of us miserable and wretched creatures, but then sometimes, I think, God just goes tooooo far....

Consider this for example... As a part of the Entertainment Committee in the Peninsular Park, Munger, It is my job to send out mailers and organize parties etc. etc. There is this fellow in the IT department in the factory... very quiet, very reserved, Goodie boy types who has just gotten married and will be arriving in the Park tomorrow with his wife. As is the tradition, the newly-weds get to go on a Tractor/Jeep/Buggy ride around the park and get a party thrown in their name at the Park Club...

The task at hand was pretty simple... All I needed to do was to send out a mailer informing people that the ride would commence at whatever time from whatever place... That hardly sounds something where someone can make a mistake, doesn't it? Well... there exist those, on the face of this planet, who are so talented that they make blunders where the possibility for none exist!... In order to lessen my workload (where there was actually hardly any!), I decided to simply forward the last similar mail and change the names wherever change was needed....

Only it turns out, I didn't! I changed the name of the wife in the new mail, but the name of the old husband remained... and I marked the mail to what was pretty much the entire world!!!!

And thus was unleashed a flood of comments and remarks that have rendered me incapable of doing anything productive on this day... Mostly because I am laughing so hard at what is evidently the Faux-Pas of the year!!!

Just to put things in perspective, I had, 15 minutes before I sent out that fated mail, lectured the secretaries in the HR deptt, about the need to ensure that nothing wrong should ever leave our tables and that we must ensure that our work is perfect...One of the secretaries didn't even wait a minute before passing me by and smirking... Look who was talking!

And I bet, God in the heavens high above was chortling into his cup of nectar!!!

Oh, What a day!!!

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

Of Macs!


Almost six months ago, when I purchased my macbook, I became a part of a very exclusive and very elite clique of people in Peninsular Park, who owned an Apple Laptop. How I loved to show it around, only I know... I wouldn't ridicule the laptops/dabbas of other people because of my 'empathic' attitude, but whenever their computers 'hanged', I would struggle to suppress my chuckle...

Oh, those were the days!!! I would, without it being very obvious to others, ensure that only my fingers caressed my mac... I would clean it with aftershave every other day and then wipe it for 10 mins, till the glowing white became a glistening 'Colgate White'... I would show off the coolest apps on Mac, including iphoto, which can distort photos and make them funny... imovie, which is super awesome for editing movies and Keynote, which is like MS powerpoint, only 100000 times cooler to all those gathered around me, even if they got sick of it!!!

As of today, I can only stifle a painful sigh when someone asks me what laptop do I own... My purchase of Macbook has been followed by an avalanche of Apple laptop purchases inside the Peninsular Park... I am convinced that the Peninsular Park has the higher per capita ownership of Apple books in all of India... possibly, even in all small towns of the world... My Macbook has been 'outshined' by 2 Macbook pros, with their backlit keyboards and super light weight, and will soon be 'outdazzled' by an ultra thin, super cool Macbook Air...

I know my Macbook (Its called El Mac by the way!) feels jealous to see itself awed by its more expensive and high society cousins... I can feel its pain and anguish to see its former phenomenal charm being now compared to the breathtaking qualities of a Macbook pro and the astounding features of a Macbook air and it being branded as the 'Low-End Apple Laptop', but there is hardly anything I can do to console it... Twice a day, before going to office and when I return for lunch, I give it all the attention that I can (ofcourse, post-dinner time is exclusively El-Mac time!) but then there is just nothing that you can do make a Macbook feel better than a Macbook-pro/Air! Hence, this shameful and pathetic attempt at professing my love for El-Mac through this blog!!!

I LOVE YOU El Mac!!!!

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

The Trial of Alexei Zuganovic



"My Lords… The charges against me are trumped up… I am innocent… Long Live the revolution… Hail the motherland!"… These words had a magical effect inside the courtroom, now packed to its fullest… The trial of Alexei Zuganovic was billed as the trial of the century… Co-revolutionary cum founding father of the people's state turned traitor… Alexei's journey had seen him rise to the post of the Chairman of the people's party and tumble to a solitary dank cell in the heart of Moscow… The public bayed for the blood of the man who had betrayed the Motherland to her enemies… 

Few expected Alexei to contest the charges… The prosecution was sure that 3 days of non-stop torture, including sleeplessness would 'persuade' him to own up to his crimes, so his denial in the courtroom came as a nasty shock to them… The judges were equally surprised… They had been told that all they had to do was to accept his admission of guilt and announce a death sentence… They were not sure of what they were supposed to do now… The gasp that had sounded out following Alexei's denial had now been replaced by a constant murmuring in the packed courthouse… There were foreign journalists furiously scribbling down what they believed was the scoop of the day and then there were severe looking Policemen who looked revolted at the thought of having to dirty their hands on this hoodlum again tonight…

Alexei, in the meanwhile, re-commenced with his denial, praising the glorious revolution, applauding the public, proclaiming his undying and sincerest loyalty to the state, the Party and the Great leader… His words seemed to be having an impact on the crowd that had assembled… Some people had begun to doubt the charges that had been levied against him… The dour looking Prosecution Attorney now approached the bench… He demanded that the court be adjourned for the day… The Judges acquiesced….

Alexei's thoughts had taken him back in time… He remembered the day when he had stood with the Great Leader in the centre of Moscow, where the two had jointly declared the revolution to be a dazzling success… The King had fled and the government now belonged to the toiling masses, the Great Leader had said.. Alexei had tears in his eyes… The Party had then sent him to the front to lead the war against the marauding armies of the enemy… He remembered his first battle, where he saw miles upon miles of dead bodies… How the sight had revolted him… He personally persuaded the Great Leader to call for an end to hostilities… He remembered the rousing welcome given to him by Muscovites when he had returned after signing the peace deal… The Party and the Great Leader had showered heaps of praises upon him… And that is when things started changing… Some of his over-enthusiastic supporters started styling him as the one to succeed the Great Leader… They said that the Great Leader was now old and that he should pave the way for a younger successor, and who would be a better successor than the hero Alexei… Word got around… Plots began to be hatched… On 13th Nov, 7 years after the revolution, there was an attempt on the Great Leader's life as he was addressing a rally in Alexei's hometown… Suspicions became doubts… Doubts became certainties… The Great Leader demanded Alexei's head… Alexei resigned… He went on a self-imposed exile to the Far East… His detractors said he was hatching a plot against the Party… Some even said that he was planning to split the Motherland… They said he was hands-in-glove with the imperialists, the capitalists and the bloody West…

 One fine February morning, when it was cold enough to wear a coat and warm enough to be outside, 3 strangers came to meet Alexei… They said their Hellos and then one of them punched Alexei in the gut… It was a bloody punch… Alexei tasted blood in his mouth… and before he could react, he passed out… When Alexei awoke, he found himself closeted in what seemed like a Train Wagon… For 3 days, he was held captive in the wagon… No food…No water… He yelled and shouted demanding an explanation but eventually ran out of energy… Then, one day, the train stopped and someone opened the door of the wagon… The whiff of the air told Alexei that he was back in Moscow… His heart sank… He knew that this could mean only one thing… His fate had been sealed… He tried to fight off the guards who had come to take him away, but he had no energy left in him… 

In the heart of Moscow lies the Lubyanka Prison… It is exclusively reserved for Political Prisoners… Locals who stay in the area claim that they can hear cries and shrieks through the night… They do not exaggerate… Lubyanka is where Political Prisoners are either reformed or dispatched from this world… Alexei knew what Lubyanka was better than anyone else… He was the Mastermind behind the Government's reform program to convert the ex-imperialists to the new system… Alexei had personally supervised many of the tortures… He had felt no shame, no remorse then… He was doing his duty for the motherland… Today, he found himself on the other side of the table… Although he'd tried to mentally brace himself with the techniques that he himself had used not so long ago, there was something about first smack on the face… It sent him flying off his chair… For 3 days and 3 nights, he was subjected to the torture of the worst kind… On the 3rd night, he was allowed to sleep for 2 hours… Next morning, he was presented in the Courthouse, where he'd caused an uproar…

Tonight was extra-hard for Alexei… The torturers came at him with vengeance, hitting him with whatever they could get their hands on… Wooden planks, steel rods, buckets, needles etc. etc. They were careful not to damage his face… He was to be presented in the courthouse tomorrow… Alexei begged them to let him go… He could not take the blows anymore…. But the blows never stopped… Eventually, he passed out….

The next morning, Alexei appeared in the Courtroom again… He looked haggard… The Prosecution Attorney told the court that Alexei had signed his admission of guilt and that the trial was no longer necessary… Alexei did not remember signing any piece of paper… He wanted to protest, but words failed him… With tears in his eyes, he looked around the packed courtroom for a pair of sympathetic eyes… Only, he encountered intense hatred, abhorrence and revulsion… He closed his eyes… Alexei had never prayed… But presently, he said his prayers… He begged the almighty to pardon his crimes…

Now, the Judges pronounced their verdict… It was a unanimous decision… Alexei was convicted, by his own admission, of the charge of having connived with the enemies of the State and having plotted against the People, the Party and the Great Leader… There was only one punishment for the crime… Execution by  Firing Squad…

The policemen dragged him away… He was bundled in a car and taken to a desolate spot… A kerchief was tied around his eyes… He heard the blast of the musket… That sound was the last thing he experienced in his life…

His body was dumped in an unmarked grave and was eventually covered up… No one ever came to know that Alexei Zuganovic was innocent….

Sunday, October 31, 2010

Nightmares Unlimited! The Hundredth!!!!


There are these recurring nightmares that I keep having and all my attempts to get rid of them have proved futile so far... I have consulted top notch psychiatrists in Munger and all of them believe that I suffer from a psychological disorder that afflicts 9 out of 10 outsiders who settle down (I use this term loosely, a more apt description would be "are posted") in Munger. The disease is called "Mungeritis" in scientific circles and is characterized by recurrent nightmares wherein the dreamer sees himself in Munger even 30-40 years later. It is also characterized by palpitations, mood swings and anxiety when the words "Munger" and "20-30 years later" are used in the same sentence. E.g. the sentence "20-30 years later Munger will have electricity" will definitely cause heartburn to the patient as he would perceive it as meaning that he would still be in Munger 20-30 years later!

Anyways, now that the background has been set, it is time to describe a recurring nightmare that has been haunting me for the past 2-3 weeks. The nightmare usually takes the form of an interview that I am giving to a leading daily in the year 2043 in Munger itself.

                                        हमार खबरें,  दिनांक: २०/०२/२०४३, मुंगेर संस्करण 
आज हमरा पाठक लोग बहुत खुस होवी की हम मुंगेर की इतनी बड़ी हस्ती का इंटरभ्यु  प्रकासइत  करीं. मुंगेर की धरती से उपजे ई लाल और कौनो नहीं बल्कि मुंगेर वनवासी दुग्ध उत्पादन संगठन के चेयरमेन  श्री आसे मानकर रहिन. इंटरभ्यु नीचे प्रकासित है-

झुमका कुमारी (झु. कु) (इंटरभ्युभर): श्री आसे मानकर, हमार खबरें की तरफ से हम आपका स्वागत करिन.
आसे मानकर (आ. मा) : धन्यबाद
झु. कु : आप एथी अपनी इश्टोरी बतायिन हमार पाठक को
आ. मा: एथी हम तो मुंगेर सहर में २००९ में आई. टी. सी में आया था. तभी से हमें एथी भा गया था. ईहाँ  के लोग, ईहाँ की बोली, ईहाँ  की गाय, भैंस, बछड़े, सूअर और कुत्ते भी. मुंगेर का ज़मीन में जो बात है ऊ और कौनो माटी में ना होवे.
झु. कु: लेकिन चटकल (आई. टी. सी) से दूध एथी कैसन?
आ. मा: एथी, मुंगेर की हर गाय माता ४ किलो दूध देत. इस पावन धरती पर पैदा हुई हर गाय दूध की खान होवत. हम सोचीन की दूध का कारोबार मुनाफा लायीन और मुंगेर मा रोजगार भी होवी.
झु. कु: ई तो सच बात होई. तोहर एथी कितना चाचाजी?
आ. मा: हमार एथी तो एथी होवी. गुज़र बसर आराम से हो जात. इस बुढापे में और की चाहीन.
झु. कु: २००९ के मुंगेर और २०४३ के मुंगेर मा की फरक होविन चाचाजी?
आ. मा:  २००९ मा लोग गाय, भैंस रस्ते से उठावत. आज मुंगेर में भारत के अकेला गाय/भैंस माल होविन. हमार आखरी भैंस फुलवा हम वहीँ से खरीदा हूँ. २००९ मा लोग सड़क पे खड़े खड़े पिसाब करीन. आज ऊ ऊई सड़क पर बैठ कर पिसाब कर सकिन. २००९ मा एथी नहीं होविन. आज मुंगेर बिजली गाय-पाभर से बिजली बनायीं. मुंगेर देस का नाम रोसन करी
झु. कु: हमार जवान पाठको के लिए कुछ संदेस देई चाचाजी.
आ. मा:  मुंगेर के बांके नौजवानों को हम ई सलाह देना चाहिन की दिल्ली-बम्बई की लड़के-लडकियों की तरह चुम्मा-चाटी के चक्कर में ना पड़ीन. गाय हमार माता होवी और ई हम सबकी जिम्मेदारी होवी की हम गाय मा की सभा करीन. गाय की सेवा मतलब मा की सेवा, मा की सेवा मतलब मुंगेर की सेवा और मुंगेर की सेवा मतलब देस की सेवा.
झु. कु: चाचाजी, एक आखरी सवाल. तोहार गाय का फेवरिट गाना कौनो होई?
आ. मा:  हमार फेवरिट गाय "ललिया" का फेवरिट गाना होवी ____________

Which is when I usually wake up with a start... All sweaty and shivering from the scene that I have just witnessed in my sleep. The nightmares are never-ending and the emotional scars that they leave take forever to heal!

Anyways... Happy Hundredth!!!!! :)

Sunday, October 10, 2010

People!

Some people are good only to push your buttons
While others can simply make you feel rotten
Then there are those who can only criticize
And those who plan to cut you down to your size!!

Lets not forget those who can only blame
And those who plot to steal your fame
Some who'll work behind your back
And ensure that you earn the flak

What about those who specialize in backstabbing
And those who indulge in rumour-mongering
Well, the worst are those who are a combination of the two
And those are the people whose company you'll always rue!

Most people exist to make your life miserable
In their absence you might have been more sociable
But thank God that at the other end
Exists a class that you call friends

Without the other extreme of the continuum
Life would have been a droll conundrum
All thanks due to the merry souls
That life is not always a terrible bore!

Wednesday, September 29, 2010

All in God's name!



18 years ago, one fine winter morning, a group of religious zealots/activists (depending on which side you support) brought down an old decrepit structure which had been under lock and key until very recently, provoking a series of deadly riots that this nation on fire. Communal discord isn't exactly new to India, I mean, that is what we are known for... That is why India and Pakistan came into existence, but since 1947, till 1992, riots were usually confined to one city or a state and were swiftly brought under control, if the government of the day felt the need. All of this changed in 1992... The destruction of the Mosque provoked a wave of communal unrest that took weeks to control and forever altered the socio-cultural fabric of the country.

I don't think it is fair to question the assumption, as is the practice among modern secular-liberal classes, if Lord Ram was born in Ayodhya or if indeed he was a "real" person. I think it is grossly unfair to treat the Hindus as a rag tag group of superstitious silly people whose beliefs need not be valued since they are not a cohesive group. Likewise, India is not a Hindu nation, inspite of an obvious Hindu majority and accordingly, it is absolutely detestable to suggest that one can ride roughshod over the sentiments of a minority community by demolishing Mosques/Gurudwaras/Churches. All this having been said, the courts are all set to deliver a verdict that will most probably deepen the fissures that already exist between the Hindu and Muslim communities. The Administration sits in a state of suspended animation, expecting the worst and hoping for the best.

The question I wish to ask is, Is it all really worth it? I mean, I for one, refuse to believe that any Hindu God would choose to reside in a place that is the source of so much bloodshed and misery. Likewise, Allah for sure would have forsaken a place that represents Hell on earth. Being able to Install a few idols and worshipping them or reconstructing the Mosque might imply symbolic victory for either community, but in spiritual terms, does it really mean anything? Probably, all Indians would be benefitted better if there were a hospital/orphanage/civic center constructed in its place. I am sure,even God would dwell  in such a place. Let bygones be bygones... A Ram temple was demolished by a Muslim invader who constructed a Mosque in his own name which was destroyed by Hindu reactionaries more than 5 centuries later. Historical wrongs (if that is what they are) have already been "righted". A temple to Ram anywhere else, would honour his majesty and grandeur equally.... So would a Mosque in Kashmir or Kerala.

It is time to grow up and cognize for who we are. We are not Rwandans or some silly West African tribe, forever baying for Blood. We are not Hindus, or Muslims or Christians or Sikhs. We are the progenies of a proud tribe of people who made their mark on the world stage. We are the inheritors of a proud, glorious and a cultured past. And we owe it to our future generations to keep it that way.

Jai Hind!

Saturday, September 25, 2010

Chill Maadi- An extract from Kalmadi's daily diary

Dear Diary

I am so pissed at that good for nothing Fennel today... How dare he say that the conditions at the CWG Village were unfit for human habitation! I have been there at least 53 times, and I have always seen daily labourers blissfully urinating, defecating or sleeping in those rooms. Why, at least 7 of the 223 "Paan Pichkaris" were made by me when I was competing with Mr. Gill... Ah! What a glorious moment that was, it won me some 200 rupees as well!... So how dare Fennel say that the conditions at the village were unhygienic!!! I mean a couple of stray dogs here and there might have pooped (in the western style lavatories, mind you!), all that these firangs need to do was to flush it!... I mean do they really need to stare at the shithole!

Personally I feel, we should leave the commonwealth... I mean, Pratibha Patil is as good as Queen Elizabeth... And enough of these foreign white-skinned rascals!, don't they act pricey... lets invite the Africans, possibly some pacific states, add Nepal, Bangladesh, Pakistan and Afghanistan to the list... And Brava! There you have it... A superb international assembly of the finest sportspersons in the world!... Plus, India will have a real good chance to finally win some medals...And, they won't mind relieving themselves in Sulabh Shauchalayas or even in the nature... We can feed them rotis and pyaaz and they'll be over the moon!....

I don't know why the media still hates me.... I mean, I've not taken any bribes for 2 whole days now, and even as I write this, I am refusing to take a 2% cut in supremely overpriced tissue paper rolls and yet they continue to spew venom against me! So what if I made a couple of millions of rupees... Don't I deserve it? A man my age must be taken care of by the government, and here I am... Going from vendor to vendor... Contractor to contractor... artificially inflating prices... devising the formulae for commission, ensuring all ministers' relatives get some contracts and yet they blame ME!... How unfair can the world be!

So what the tiles fell from the ceiling the other day, or the collapse of the footbridge... Is it really that big a deal.... Who is going to notice 2 missing tiles! and how about crossing the road for a change!... Why do you need the overbridge? These delhiites too get on my nerves...especially that old hag... Sheila Dixit... Does she have nothing better to do than sit and supervise MY work?... How about applying ointment to her arthritic knees... I gave her full 30% of my earnings and yet she criticizes me... And that ageing bearded buffoon... He's already clipped my wings enough and yet he continues to entertain my foes!... I thought he belonged to my Party!

Last of all, let me spend one paragraph expressing my hatred towards Mani Shankar Aiyer!... That clown revealed my plan to the world even as I was hatching it and all because I wouldn't give let him win the "Paan ki Pichkari" contest! Had it not been for him, I wouldn't have had to start behaving efficiently so soon... I'd probably even have made a couple of million more rupees!

Anyways... I have done my bit for the glory of the erstwhile British Empire... God save the Queen and her Commonwealth....

Suresh Kalmadi

Monday, August 16, 2010

Posthumous-I


I took my life today. Frankly, I had had enough… I felt that my soul was ‘dying’ to break free of the shackles that bound it to my body. This aimless, purposeless existence was too much to take and so I decided to end my life. I did for a moment ponder over my decision, which would undoubtedly be viewed as cowardly and most certainly irreligious, but then, I just couldn’t take it anymore. What was the point trying to live as ‘Captains Courageous’ in front of a world that just didn’t matter? And what was the point trying to live for a God that had most certainly abandoned me totally? And so, I decided to end my life.

I thought of means, both old and new to accomplish the task at hand. All of a sudden, my life had a purpose, a motive and I realized it was this ‘kick’ that I had been waiting for, all my life. I thought of hanging myself by the fan, but discarded the idea as soon as it crept into my head. It would be too painful, I thought… And imagine the sight that would greet the people who’d discover me this way… Eyes protruding outwards… Neck tilted on one side… And I was pretty sure that I my tongue would also loll outwards… Certainly not a very pretty sight… Next option was to sever the vein on the hand and bring an end to this futile existence. But then, It would once again be messy… My body lying in a pool of blood, writhing with agony… And what if I couldn’t take the pain and wanted to reverse my decision?... Where would that leave me?... This option too was discarded… Head on the rail tracks would ruin my face totally… And what if it was this face that I would have to carry about in the afterlife?... Idea dropped…

I finally settled on poisoning myself to death… Anyways, life had become a poison that I had been drinking for 25 years of my sordid existence… Why not end life the same way?... That inconspicuous bottle of phenyl, in the corner of the bathroom would open the door of the ‘Other world’… I was certain that I would go to hell, but was equally sure that Hell would be better than this continued existence… That one bottle of phenyl would drown all my sins and cleanse me once and for all…

Presently, I opened the bottle of phenyl… My mind was made up… there was not one bit of hesitation… I felt calm and at ease with myself… And then, I gulped down the liquid… I have to admit, It didn’t taste good at all… rather, It tasted quite bad actually… If I had a chance, I would have preferred to die by cutting off the vein, but anyways I labored on… I drank almost half the bottle, before the burning sensation in the throat made it impossible for me to continue. My throat singed… it burnt… And I think that’s what did me in… I think I died when that pungent liquid seared my throat…I saw myself in the mirror for the last time… And for the first time, understood the meaning of ‘Deathly pallor’… And just for record’s sake, images from my life did not zip past me as I was expecting… Before long, I was no more…

And yet, for some strange reason, I was… I was right there… In front of my own limp and lifeless form… I could see my old self and yet I couldn’t see my new self… I was still in front of the mirror and yet the mirror refused to return my reflection!... I tried to touch the mirror, but it was a strange experience… While I could touch it, I couldn’t sense it… My hands, it seemed, had gone numb… Maybe, that is what it felt like to be dead… Maybe, this was my soul, formless, yet full of life!...

All of a sudden, everything went dark…I mean pitch dark…and I felt as though I was being sucked through vacuum, which was weird because I certainly wasn’t moving and the distance between me and my lifeless body was still the same… I guess, the closest word I can use to describe the sensation is “Splinched” as in ‘people getting splinched while “disapparating” in Harry Potter books… It certainly was very painful and it was giving me a terrible headache, which again was weird because this was unlike the usual ‘headaches’… It was more like something was being sucked out through my skull…Soon though, all the darkness dissipated and there was clear light… Crystal clear…Light that was purest of pure and whitest of white…

I guessed this was where they delivered the verdict on one’s life… I was sure I had been assigned to hell and was more or less resigned to my ‘fate’… Presently, a voice addressed me… It seemed to be coming from far far away and yet seemed to be clear… It announced a small snapshot of my life, my sins & my virtues and asked me one wish that it would not deny to me… I had been waiting for this chance since my death… All I wanted was to be with my body till it was disposed of… And this is exactly what I told the mysterious voice… My wish was granted and once again the “Splinching” feeling returned… Light disappeared and darkness took its place and in a moment’s time I was back in my room, facing my lifeless form…

-to be continued (hopefully)

Saturday, July 24, 2010

The Fall!



He stood there… Motionless…Taken aback at the ferocity of the boos which resonated from the crowd below… Were these the same people who had installed him in his place 30 years ago?…. He looked down, trying to find one pair of eyes that would look sympathetically at him… One face that would reassure him that he had done no wrong… Instead, All he saw was eyes blazing with anger, faces flushed red with nothing but hatred and malice…

In a moment, he was transported back into time… 30 years ago… It was the same crowd, at least in terms of the numbers… That crowd was wild too… It was egging him on… It excited him, It cheered him…. It made him feel like the leader of a country of 25 million people, challenging the might of the mightiest empire on the face of this planet… From his podium, he had looked straight into the eyes of the masses and denounced the evil regime that had suppressed the free voice of a peaceful neighbor…. He had not felt an ounce of fear or worry that he might be next on its list…. He announced that he was prepared to lay down his life for the freedom of his brethren across the border… That he would gladly be a martyr and that the soil drenched by his blood would produce thousands of warriors and demolish the empire of evil….At the end of each sentence, the crowds below swayed wildly…. They screamed, they shouted, they could not have expressed their agreement more clearly… He had their support… He could see it in their eyes…. He was their hope, a symbol of their aspirations… He swore that day to never let them down…

30 years later however, much water had flowed under the bridge…. New faces had replaced the old… People had died and the crowd had been replaced… This crowd remembered nothing of his past glories… They seemed disgusted at his sight… He looked at his wife standing by his side… She was the Mother of the nation…30 years ago, she had stood as had the nation, proud and confident…. Today, she was a pale shadow of herself… Her face was drained of all color… In her white gown, she looked more ghost than human… Her heretical lips had not said any prayers for the last 30 years but today seemed to be mouthing praises to the almighty… She did not seem to realize it, but she was shivering and her eyes averted the sight of the crowd, flitting from the Minister to her right and her husband to her left….

The army stood ready in the shadows of the corners, ready to pounce upon the helpless yet vociferous crowd…. They awaited a signal from their superiors to hurl themselves into the crowd and break up this rowdy demonstration of traitors and imperialists… In their hearts, they wanted him to go… They felt that his game was up and that it was only a matter of time before he would be forced from office, disgraced like his predecessor… Yet, for them, the State came first and they were prepared to lay down their lives in its service…

A huge cry suddenly came from the crowd… Someone had torn apart the national flag and unfurled it from one of the pillars of the Presidential Palace… Suddenly, all hell broke loose. As the army walked in behind the protestors, the crowd started spilling onto the Presidential Palace compounds… His deputy broke the news that the crowd had now taken control of the Ground floor and that it would be best for him and his wife to flee…. In a matter of seconds, a Helicopter appeared at the terrace. The fact that the nation's first couple were fleeing, spurred the crowd on… The intensity of their jeering increased….Someone in the crowd aimed a shot at the minister, but missed by an inch…

In the meanwhile, the helicopter took off, carrying the first couple to the relative safety of the country's north, where his loyalists still held the reins of power…Unfortunately though, the Gods chose to intervene at that very moment. Adverse weather conditions forced the chopper to land in a hostile area, where the inhabitants were celebrating his fleeing the country with impromptu street parties. No sooner did the chopper land that they were apprehended… The irate mob would have delivered the punishment there and then had it not been for his valiant bodyguards… From the corner of his eye, he could see the fate that was being meted out to his brave supporters . One bodyguards had been clubbed to death, while the other was lying on the ground, motionless, staring in his direction…. The fate of his bodyguards foretold him his own fate. He would die at the hands of these ungrateful traitors….He decided that he would not let his execution be a punishment… It would go down in the eyes of the world as a cold blooded murder.

Presently, he was produced before a man who claimed to represent the executive of the new national authority. He leveled the charges against him. He chose to answer no questions that were directed at him. At times, his wife would get carried away and start screaming at the interrogators, but he would calm her down. He refused to recognize even a shred of the court's authority. The Court reached its pre-decided verdict. He was a threat to the nation, he was a traitor who had sapped the nation of its vitality and had committed the gravest crimes against its people… He deserved nothing but death and so did his wife.

Calm, composed and almost statesman like, he delivered a speech denouncing the court, refuting the existence of a new order and vehemently protesting the fact that the people had lost faith in him. As he was being led to the execution grounds, he warned the court that they would meet the same end at the hands of the people and that on that day, he would be avenged….

His execution took 2 minutes. 2 bullets to his chest silenced him. His wife was finished by a lone bullet. The next day, his body was displayed at the town square, where the people spat at his dead body.

.Where millions had turned up to celebrate his ascent to power, not one came to mourn his death... He lived the life of a hero, but died the death of a tyrannous villain..

Sunday, July 11, 2010

Das Leben der anderen (The lives of others)

YOU ARE BEING WATCHED!

Imagine a stage...and imagine an audience, waiting with bated breath for your next performance. You are still in the silhouette as the other actor finishes his part and then Zoom... the spotlight falls on you... You suddenly realize you'd never rehearsed for your part... You are just walking down the stage and the audience are furiously scripting down your every move... Ever muscle that twitches in your body, every eye lid that flaps.... Are you playing out the script or are your actions creating the script?

Now imagine this, There is no stage.... there is no audience... You are on your own... the stage was merely your life... and the audience was the Big Brother... Watching your every move... And keeping detailed records of what you thought was an otherwise dull and mundane life... From the moment you wake up to the moment your day comes to an end, you're being watched, and at times followed...The big brother knows it all....

Every word that you utter against the state.... It may be a silly joke shared with friends... or a serious intellectual discussion... will be noted down and will shape your future. Your almost certain promotion will be denied because of that one off the cuff remark. Your file will be marked "Uncertain Loyalty to the state". Your so-far perfect life will start falling apart...The Medical college that your son dreamed of, will be denied to him... Your wife will complain of how her former friends are avoiding her... And before you know it.... Life will become un-liveable, absolutely purposeless... Nothing to look forward to.... You'll feel stifled, uncertain....Will you be able to trust anyone? Will you be able to live with your head held high?.... Probably No... What will life be then, if not a colorless deserted landscape, with you in the centre, surrounded by barrenness...

Das Leben der Anderen (The Lives of others) is a 2006 German movie that follows the lives of East Germans as they lived under the ever vigilant and watchful eye of the National State Security (Stasi). There was at least 1 Stasi agent for every 6.5 East German citizens and the Stasi lived up to their motto of being the "Schild und Schwert der Partei" (Shield and Sword of the (Communist) Party). The book Stasiland by Anna Funder, explores further and lays bare the daily lives of East Germans as they lived their lives, never trusting anyone and always fearing everyone.

The fate of the denizens in other Communist countries was no different. From across East Europe, to the Soviet Continent, to China, Vietnam, North Korea, Cuba et al, there lay a complex web of espionage directed by the state against its own citizens. Things would fall in place if your political principles matched that of the state. Deviate and suffering was inevitable...

Let me end with an East German joke, that would have caused the downfall of God-knows how many

"Early in the morning, Honecker (General Secretary of the Communist Party) arrives at his office and opens his window. He sees the sun and says: "Good morning, dear Sun!"
The sun replies: "Good morning, dear Erich!"
Honecker works, and then at noon he heads to the window and says: "Good day, dear Sun!"
The sun replies: "Good day, dear Erich!"
In the evening, Erich calls it a day, and heads once more to the window, and says: "Good evening, dear Sun!"
The sun is silent.
Honecker says again: "Good evening, dear Sun! What's the matter?"
The sun replies: "Kiss my arse. I'm in the West now.""

Monday, June 14, 2010

Bhopal Gas Farce!




1984 was a particularly unfortunate year in the history of our nation... Even in the best of years, India battles at least 2-3 insurgencies, 4-5 droughts and 6-7 floods... but in 1984, it witnessed the climax of sikh separatism, culminating in the daring attack on the Golden Temple, this was followed by the murder of Mrs. Gandhi by her own bodyguards who she had refused to let go of since she wanted to maintain her secular credentials, the bloody and shameful anti-sikh riots followed soon and much of Delhi and the nation was consumed by hatred... And towards the end of the year, just when it seemed the nation was limping back to a sense of pseudo-normalcy, tragedy struck again in the form of Bhopal Gas Disaster...

Apologies for the verbose introduction to the article, but it is important to realize the context in which the world's worst industrial accident occurred.... I sincerely believe that it was never the fault of the Americans which led to the disaster... The Americans might have been a 'little' careless, but that is completely justified, isn't it? After all, they were dealing with a couple of thousand Indian lives...Indians, used to being brought up in poverty are used to fighting hard for an inconsequential existence... Clearly their lives aren't that important... Like a spokesperson for Dow chemicals said as late as in 2002, An Indian life is surely not more precious than $500!! 

Anyways, enough of America-bashing... I genuinely believe that the Americans didn't kill the 20000 who died in Bhopal, It was the Indian government that dug their graves and spat upon their lifeless bodies... The Indian government showed pragmatism in the most unlikely of places... Imagine you are the government and the choice you have to make is as follows- 20000 people from a semi-urban area whose existence is unknown to most countrymen and Rs. 2 Cr per annum from foreign investments that can potentially pull the country out of poverty...

Of Course you'd choose the latter... Who cares about 20000 miserable wretches? Nobody... That is why Mr. Arjun Singh offered a helicopter to Mr. Anderson to help him flee his arrest... That is why, even as people in the affected areas slept, Mr. Arjun Singh fled Bhopal... That is why, committees were set up and dissolved... And that is precisely why it has taken 26 years of waiting for a sentence of 2 years!

The Bhopal gas Disaster was never meant to be a tragedy, it was meant to be a farce played out by those in power... And some people genuinely believed they would get justice! Wake up already if you've deluded yourself so far... Your immaterial and insignificant existence is of use to none... 

Indeed, lucky were the ones who perished that fateful night... At least they didn't live to see mockery being made out of their misery....

Jai Hind! 

Saturday, June 12, 2010

An India Forgotten!


I can bet on the fact that 3 out of 4 indians will not be able to tell the capital of Mizoram... I can also bet on the fact that 1 out of 2 indians, when asked as to what people inhabit Nagaland, would reply with the word Chinese... I think, for most Indians, Assam is as far as India goes in the East... Anything beyond that is simply a tribal area inhabited by Chinky looking Chinese people... And without doubt, this is one of the gravest tragedies to befall the Indian State...Even after 60 years of Independence, we are yet to acknowledge the North Eastern States as equal Indians as perhaps a Bengali, or a Punjabi or a Tamil...

Who cares if governments come and go in the North East as fast as the discount offers on newly launched products? Who cares if the secessionists rule the roost in most parts? Who cares if Indians require Special Permits to visit a part of their own country? Who cares if curfews are clamped in Capital cities of these states at 5 PM and life comes to a grinding halt? Lets not even talk about water & electricity. The Indian state has proven less discriminatory on this count. It has failed all peoples and all states equally as far as impoverishment is concerned...

Little doubt that there are hundreds of tiny insurgencies going on in the North East... People are disgruntled with the Indian State... After all, what has the Indian state done for them? If their daughters and sisters migrate to Delhi for education, they are leered at and referred to as being 'loose'...If the boys want to study, they have to leave their parents and families behind... And even after a worthwhile education, Can they ever dream of returning to their 'homeland' and earning a decent living?... No ways...

Its been 60 days, since the Naga insurgents/activists blockaded the highway leading to Manipur... Fuel costs as much as Rs. 150-170 a litre, hospitals are shutting down for the want of medicines... people are in distress... But does the Indian State care?.. Imagine, secessionists/anti-national elements blockading entry route into Mumbai... What would happen then?

Irom Sharmila has been on a fast unto death for more than 10 years now... All she demands is that people be allowed to live a dignified life... And the oppressive AFSPA be repealed... What has the Indian state done? It has force fed Sharmila for the last 10 years, since it is illegal to commit suicide... Where is the national media?... Why the silence on the misery of 23 lakh people, when there is a flurry on activity to get justice to 1 Ruchika Girhotra??

When people are disappointed, they express their disgruntlement in a variety of measures... In the North East, people have taken to arms to vent their frustration...The Politicians will never care, since the entire North East sends merely 25 MPs to a 543 member Lok Sabha... It is the civil society that must raise its voice against the evident oppression of its brethren in the North East!

It is only if we treat all Indians as equals can we realize the dreams of our forefathers who fought long and hard to win us our freedom... As long as we stay apathetic, we are only sowing the seeds for a bleak future, which is best avoided!

Saturday, June 5, 2010

Murder most foul!






Of all the Murders that rock this country, the foulest are the murders of the tongue… Every single day, in every nook & corner of this nation, multitudes of people commit the most sinister of all follies…. The murder of the language they speak… And what is the consequence?… Hindi has been virtually eradicated in the South, English in the North… The West speaks a tongue that is unbeknownst to the rest and the East… Well they talk a wee bit too much in the East…

So if you are to converse in Hindi with a "South Indian" (I mean with a person belonging to one of the 4 southern states, so don't start calling me a North Indian racist), you are more likely to be met with the following 5 letter reply-

"मेरे को हिंदी नहीं आता …."

Only South Indians can tell when and where did the Hindi tongue get its Sex-Change operation… Must have been in the sordid by-lanes of Bangkok… Anyways…

While the South Indians butcher away Hindi, the Biharis aren't far behind…. They have gone global when it comes to murdering languages… They murder the Queen's very own tongue… Shakespeare must be turning in his grave for every syllable uttered by these people….

Where magically becomes Bhere…

You becomes Jhu…

Prepositions end the sentences like Bhat Jhu comes here phor?

Verbs and conjugations have since long lost their importance like… Bhen I was came from the Jungle, the Loin roars me at…. (Its always the Loin that roars... never the Lion)

The Bongs aren't too far behind… they take perverse pleasure in pronouncing both Hindi & English in a Bangla accent…

Savour this-

हामको भोत डड लग डहा था ( हमको बहुत डर लग रहा था )

The Lion doad in the middle of the doad (The Lion roared in the middle of the road)

The Marathis give the rest of Indians a run for their money in emphasizing their love for vowels…

Shiv becomes Shiuu…
Give becomes Giuu….

And the Bhopalis… My… Are they a race apart… They make their vowels long and short as & when they desire…

Black becomes Blake
Cake becomes Cack
snake becomes Snack
Incidentally, in Bhopal, Girls don't get raped… They get wrapped!

All this reminds me of a few lines from the movie "My Fair lady", where Rex Harrison utters these memorable lines-

"Look at her, a prisoner of the gutters
Condemned by every syllable she utters
By right she should be taken out and hung,
For the cold-blooded murder of the English tongue..."'

Now that's not a bad option... Isn't it... :D



Monday, May 31, 2010

The Red Zone


It has been a while since nondescript places like Jhargram and Dantewada made their way into our lexicon for all the wrong reasons. What were to most Indians, random, remote locations in some Godforsaken part of the country have now suddenly been thrust into the limelight. For that, if nothing else, one must sincerely thank the Maoists. They have undone what the Indian State has been trying to do for the last 60 years of its sordid existence, forget that these places exist or their inhabitants are worth anything at all...

The Naxal Problem is not a new phenomenon, nor is it something which has stumped the government out of the blue. Naxalism is in fact a very Indianized form of what the whole world calls a Communist Insurrection. The fact that 1/3rd of India is now a part of the so called Red Corridor where the writ of the Government doesn't run is what makes the matter very serious. Add to it the fact that the so-called peoples' revolutionaries have sworn to overthrow the Indian State and institute a Soviet/Chinese style Peoples'  Government in its place. And lets be honest about it, that is the sole reason why you suddenly have Politicians denouncing the Maoists. They represent a strong challenge to the virtually unchallenged authority of the Indian State.

The Maoists have become Revolutionaries for all the right reasons. It would not be incorrect to say that revolutionaries have been made out of unwilling people by the Indian State. When the state refuses to recognize your existence, how else can you make it listen to your voice. The answer is, by pinching the state where it hurts the most-Throw grenades at convoys of soldiers, derail a few trains here & there, denounce the state and call for its overthrow. If attention is what the Maoists desired, then one must applaud their attempts. They have done a good job. While none can dispute the end (Development of backward areas), the means to attain the goal are certainly open to question.

For a moment, consider the precarious position the government finds itself in. Its writ has ceased to run in one-third of the country. The fact that it and it alone represents the will of the people is being constantly undermined. Bombings, extortion and murder have devastated the otherwise calm & peaceful country-life. It may choose to respond with force, and let their be no doubt, The power of the state will triumph and crush the rebels, but the victory would certainly be pyrrhic.

The Maoists represent the weakest of the weak and the poorest of the poor. These people deserve to be represented and their voices heard. If only the Naxals can retain their political idealism and deploy it democratically, the downtrodden would be immensely benefitted.

None can deny the past wrongs of the state, but never have 2 wrongs made a right. The Maoists need to realize this. The State on its part must push for progress and equitable development. That is the only permanent solution to what would otherwise be a devastating conflict.

Sunday, April 25, 2010

Animal Farm Continues...




The sight of the pigs standing on their hind legs, with faces that looked more human than animal, aroused a sense of rage that knew no bounds among the animals of the Manor Farm.... All of a sudden, the reason for their penury and the pigs' wealth became clear to the animals huddled outside the window... It was clover who enunciated this new-found clarity of thought... "All our lives we worked hard to rid ourselves of the despicable humans... How foolish were we, never to realize that we've replaced the humans with the pigs.... Down with the Pigs!!!... Down with Animalism...Glory to the Animals!!!!"... His speech, however was cut short with the growling of the dogs... Squealer, the pig, walked menacingly towards Clover, with a leash in his right hand. "Well...Well..Well..Didn't I just witness the dimwit horse heap ignominy on our glorious regime...Now that I can never let be....Dogs!... Arrest this thankless bastard and put him behind bars...He'll face Napoleon tomorrow at dawn...." By then, a huge crowd had gathered... Many of the animals nodded disapprovingly, but they were all powerless in front of the Dogs... "Glory to all Animals... Woe befall the pigs!... Down with Animalism", Clover managed to shout before 2 punches to his face quietened him.... His limp body was dragged away to the Jailhouse....

That night, no animal in Manor Farm slept.... Dogs kept a close watch on all animals...And their horrible growls kept most animals awake... Muriel the goat announced that her mind was made up... She would not let Clover be lost to the pigs' barbarity.... Along with a few sheep, she drew up a plan to storm the Jailhouse and free Clover... They would leave the Farm and never return... Better to die as a wild beast than to live as Pigs' slaves, she said... Moses, the Raven heard this and immediately took off...hovering above the barn, she yelled..."Animals of the world...Unite.... Glory to Clover... Long live Snowball... Down with the Pigs... Glory to the Animals...."

Moses' words had a magical effect on all animals... The hens created pickets out of their nests, setting a few alight so as to create torches that would frighten the dogs away...The cows wagged their tails with vigor, and anyone who'd come near them would go away whipped and badly bruised...The sheep brayed long and hard, with a passion found only in neo-converts...The army of animals attacked the Dog guarding the barn first... The loud braying of sheep temporarily deafened him, and he didn't even realize the tail that came and smacked him hard...He lay there...In a pool of his own blood..stirring, but barely alive...

Emboldened by their first victory, the animals marched straight towards the Pigs' Palace...By this time, a few of the animals had already defeated the Dogs guarding the Jailhouse and freed Clover... Clover had been badly tortured, but he marched on forth... His weak but determined Neighs still shouted "Glory to the Animals... Down with the Pigs"....

The Pigs had probably seen this coming... They cleverly deployed their Dogs to attack from the sides, and when that failed, they released the Piglets from the front and the humans from behind the animals... The animals were surrounded on all four sides, and were outgunned and badly outnumbered... The Dogs attacked the sheep and silenced their braying... The humans were carrying hacksaws and approached Muriel menacingly... Just when it seemed that the battle was lost and that the tyranny of Pigs' would continue, Moses emerged in the skies above, carrying a lit torch, which he dropped into Napoleon's room... In a matter of seconds, the whole Pigs' Palace was on fire...The defendants broke their lines and ran helter skelter, and the animals chased them... The humans were the first to flee, followed by the Dogs, yelping...

Napoleon and Squealer tried to flee but were caught before they could...A summary trial presided by Muriel sentenced the Pigs to death by sawing...A couple of dogs who were also apprehended met the same fate...Napoleon's last words, drowned in the din of the excited cheering of the animals were "I have done no crime... Death to the counter revolutionaries..."...Piece by piece his body was hacked by the saw operated by Clover and the sheep....Squealer tried to wriggle out of the execution, claiming that he had been brainwashed and that his sympathies lay with Animalism...His conviction and appeal won over many hearts... His punishment was changed from Death by Sawing to Death by hanging... In Muriel's words "Let his hanging body be an example of how we were led astray"...

The next morning, the Animalist Flag was torn from the staff... The horn and the hooves were stamped upon... One of the sheep cut out the horn & the hooves and that became the new flag of the Animal Farm, as it was to be called again...The board containing the Seven Commandments was brought down and thrown out of the Animal Farm... In its place was put up a plain white sheet containing the words "All Animals are the same and will be treated equally"....

Clover was nominated as the Animal-in-chief of the farm after a general assembly of all animals of the Animal Farm selected him... He served for a period of 6 months before his health turned for the worse... Muriel succeeded him...Last heard the Animal Farm was prospering & was the envy of all Neighboring farms...

Thursday, March 25, 2010

Munger Diaries III- Mungeristan International Airlines!


In a recent order passed by the government of Mungeristan, it has been decided to launch a national air carrier to facilitate transportation of people and animals across great distances. The last venture of the Transport Ministry of the government of Mungeristan, the 'Bhola Bullock Cart Travels' was a raging success, and the government expects the same result from the national airlines.

1. The national airlines will be called Chidiya International Airlines. The logic behind the name is fairly simple and quite obvious- Like a chidiya in the sky, the aircraft will fly for miles and miles till it reaches its destination. The national animal of Mungeristan- Bhola the Bull, will be mascot of the airlines, symbolizing warmth, hospitality and the fact that the passengers, like the Bull itself will constantly have something to chew on...

2. The airlines will transport Mungeri nationals to exotic locations... The government of Mungeristan is yet to finalize the cities between which the airlines will operate, but grapevine has it that there will be uninterrupted connectivity between Munger & Kampala (Uganda), Munger & Dhaka, Munger & Danapur and Munger & Jhumritalaiyya... Mungeristan's only International airport will be constructed at Sitakund, Munger, on the banks of the river Ganges. This would make for an excellent view. The airport will be at a distance of 2 kms from the national capital, Mungerabad...The government has also decided to prosecute anyone who throws stones at the aircrafts from atop their huts while the planes are in descent.

3. A set of 6 crew members has been finalized for each aircraft. It would include the following

a. The Pilot (Qualifications: 12th Pass & an LMV Drivers' License from the government of Mungeristan)

b. Assistant Pilot (Qualifications: 10th pass & Bullock Cart Drivers' License from the government of Mungeristan)

c. Cook (Qualifications: Education no bar, should know how to cook the following items: Sattu ki roti, Litti Chokha, Bhindi ki Sabzi and Nimbu ka Achaar)

d. Air Hostess 1 ( Qualifications: Education no bar, should be beautiful (waist size< 36" , fair complexion and no grey hair), should be well conversant in one of the following languages-

i. Bhojpuri (must)
ii. Nepali
iii. Ugandan
iv. Santhali

e. Air Hostess 2 (Qualifications: At least 6th pass, dark complexion would do, should be able to assist cook in preparation of items, should have a mellifluous voice and be able to sing Bhojpuri numbers)

f. Security Officer (Qualifications: 6th pass, should have a moustache, should weigh more than 78 Kgs, should be capable of wielding a lathi, should be well versed with Bhojpuri gaalis)

4. Protocols to be followed-

a. All passengers to be smeared with a tilak upon arrival at the airport
b. Unnecessary hassles such as check in to be done away with; Passengers to carry their luggage till the airport exit where they can load their baggages on to a waiting bullock cart
c. No animals to be allowed on the craft. Sole exception to be made in case of cows/bulls/bullocks & Oxes. Dogs are to be allowed if they are a family i.e. 1 Dog & 1 Bitch & minimum 2 puppies
d. Rice to be thrown at passengers when they board the craft. Rice throwing ceremony to be accompanied by Singing of Mungeri national anthem "Hamra Pyaara Mungeristan" by Air Hostess 2.
e. Ganga Water to be served to passengers once they are seated. Passengers to be provided with a towel to clean up, in case they suffer from air sickness.
f. Passengers to be given a choice of meals : Litti Chokha/ Sattu ki roti/ Pyaaz, Namak & Roti
g. Airhostess 2 to sing a Bhojpuri Item number while meals are being served. Passengers are to be encouraged to join in singing. Dancing is to be tolerated.
h. No alcoholic beverages to be served during the flight. Only exception to be made in case passengers are carrying their own Desi Tharra
i. Once the plan begins descent, Airhostess 2 is to start chanting "Raghupati Raghav". Passengers are to be encouraged to join in. Dancing is not to be tolerated
j. Once the plane lands, air fare is to be collected from all passengers at the flat rate of Mungeri Rs. 250 per pair of legs

Here is hoping that the Mungeristan International Airlines does well.

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

Comrades!

Jyoti Basu's death is certainly going to be a set back to the Commies in India... After all, Jyoti Basu was a phenomenal leader from a Party which in its 80 years of history in India, and which, in spite of all the bassistance and sympathy from hundreds of Commie Sister Organizations has just managed to hold on to power in 2 states in India. Had it been any other country, the Communists would have surely managed to usurp power, but that just didn't happen in this case.
Before you get the idea that I am another of those neo-capitalist Commie bashers, Let me clarify that I am not one of them... I happen to harbour deep sympathies with the Global Communist movement and I am genuinely pained by the fact that Pseudo-Capitalist nations such as China are nowadays considered as the torchbearers of Communism..

Karl Marx' s communism truly arrived on the world stage with the usurpation of power by the Bolsheviks in Russia and the consequent birth of USSR. And there can be no doubt about it, the Communist philosophy does have its heart at the right place. From each according to his ability to each according to his needs, it was declared... And since Communists were a horrendously despised breed in the 19th-20th cent. Europe, it meant that any chance of having a Socialist/Communist Utopia would remain a dream as long as Communists stood in isolation from each other.
Nationalism was the biggest enemy of the Communists...And invariably, like most Occidentalists (if that is even a word), they despised heterogeneity. Differences in language, race, religion were abhorrent to the Communists... The only division that mattered, was the difference between the Rich & the Poor... The Rich were always to be lampooned as the dogs of imperialism while the Poor, irrespective of the facts were the soldiers of Communism.
Unfortunatley for the Communists, what is most appealing to human intellect is pecuniary distinction.... A Rich will never want to be impoverished and a Poor man would always want to become Rich.... So, as far as the Communist movement was concerned, its mandate was clearly laid out.... All it had to do, was to ensure that everyone was made rich ( or equally poor) and at the same time alter the human intellect to ensure that any need for monetary distinction was erased... And That is not all, man, by design, dislikes authority... Every man wants to be a Napoleon, and despises being told what to do... Sadly, that is precisely what a Communist State entailed... Complete and Unopposed servility & loyalty to the ideology. As awful as it sounds, within the ideology of Communism, lay the seeds of its destruction...
Noone in the 60s could have imagined the implosion of the Soviet Union, lesser still of Yugoslavia... Everyone was confident that a Soviet controlled Afghanistan would overrun Pakistan... But that sadly was not meant to be... So the rump of Communist global polity that is still surviving includes such awe-inspiring examples as North Korea, Cuba & Pseudo-Communist China & Vietnam. Add to it the glorious Indian Communist Party...If nothing, it has at least managed to hold the record of the longest serving democratically elected government in West Bengal.

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

Curious Reservations!

It was certainly an unmatched feat as the government managed to bulldoze its opinion in the Rajya Sabha and get the 108th Amendment to the Constitution approved. One point that stands out distinctly is the fact that if the Congress & the BJP join hands, there is nothing much that the others can do... Its more or less a fait accompli... In a democracy, this kind of collusion between the governing party & the opposition parties can imply dangerous trends... But lets not discuss that... Lets discuss something about the Women's reservation bill...

I have a singular question to ask... How did the UPA/NDA arrive at the figure of 33%... I mean, I am all for reservation of seats for women in the Parliament & the state legislatures, but I don't understand why only 33% of the seats should be reserved... I presumed that since half the population of this country is made up by Womankind, of all the people, women should at least have lobbied for 50% reservation... I am sure that the sex ratio in India isn't so skewed that there exist only 1 woman for every 2 men... Thus 33% reservation is simply ridiculous...At least 50% of the seats in all Legislatures should be reserved for women...Any other figure is simply illogical and should be rejected...Why 33%?...Why not 20%?... If the argument is affirmative action, then I believe 20% reservation sends out just as good a message... Probably, the government would have had to handle much less chaos had it proposed 20% reservation...

Another point is Reservation within Reservation, which is what the Yadav Troika has been yelling out loud... They fear that the bill is discriminatory in nature as there is no protection granted to the weaker sections among women... All I can say is this... Lets have caste/creed/region/language based reservation everywhere...So assuming 10% of India is Bengali... Lets reserve 10% of the seats in the Lok Sabha for Bengali Speaking people... Of this 10%, say 20% is Muslim, so 20% Muslim quota within the Bengali Quota... Also, of the entire population of West Bengal, 10% may be non Bengalis, so reserve another 10% within the Bengali Quota for the Non Bengalis... Say 40% of Bengalis are communist... So now take that in account...And you'd end up with nothing but chaos...

The very fact that we need to reserve seats for women is extremely sad... It just implies that for 60 years, we as a nation have done everything to impede their progress... So much so, that now the government needs to step in and improve their lot... And that is a fact... Had it not been for our reluctance to take all sections of our society along in our quest for progress, we would never have needed reservations in the first place...

But surely, Kudos to the UPA and Mrs. Gandhi... They've taken a huge political gamble for the sake of fulfilling their electoral promises... Something which is rarely seen in Indian Politics...

Wednesday, March 3, 2010

Freedom!

Rosa Luxembourg was absolutely correct when she said Freedom is always the freedom of dissenters... I mean, what use are your rights to freedom of speech & expression, if they only serve to curb dissenting voices... Ultimately, who do these rights seek to protect??.. Is it the majority who try and impose their version of facts & beliefs.. or is it the minority who are forced to suffer in silence??... If you seek to block all contrarian ideas & ideologies under the garb of disruption to public morality & order, then what good to these rights serve??... In any state, where the government is all powerful, the freedom to speech & expression always signifies the rights of the opposition...And more often than not, the views of the opposition would be such that the government would be tempted to censure them... But it does not... Why?... Because that is where the freedom of speech & expression comes into play


Take the example of India, with its great pseudo-secular polity... We claim we hold secularism on the highest pedestal...It is perhaps even more sacrosanct than our existence as a democracy... This is the majority view... But then there are quite visible minorities that affiliate themselves with majority/minority 'so-called communlaists'... They co-exist in perfect harmony with the secularists.. If the secularists were to decide to censor all matter that they deem communal, where would these minorities go??... There is nothing worse than curbing dissent..It only pushes mionorities to the periphery and gives rise to separatism...All you can do with dissenters is to try and assimilate them...And more often than not, it is not impossible to do so and live in peaceful co-existence...

I have just purchased Lajja by Taslima Nasrin and was going thorugh an article about the author... The way she has been victimized because she holds a set of beliefs contrary to the gigantic majority is a sad testament to our own faith in the freedom of expression & speech.. Just because a set of mullahs, who incidentally might not even represent the majority of Muslims in this country, went on a rampage, the government of India forced her to leave India.. Similarly, just because M F Hussain drew something which was objectionable to the fringe elements of the Hindu community, he was booted out of this country...

Freedom is always the Freedom of dissenters...Governments at times choose to ban certain items as they may provoke anger & cause protests, but that is not for the governments to decide... Governments invariably represent the majority opinion... Only courts should decide what is harmful to public morality and suitable action can be taken...But this needs at all times to be an exception & not the rule!

Saturday, February 13, 2010

My Name is Can't!

Is exactly what Bal Thakrey must be thinking right now... The old tiger sought to give Mr. Khan a good fight and what did he get in result??... Broken teeth at the very least... The failure of Shiv Sena to dissuade the masses, Marathi & Non Marathi, from indulging themselves by watching MNIK is probably the last nail in the coffin of Shiv Sena... And it is quite sad that a party which was founded on a just cause, although the means it used to attain that cause were never right, now finds itself in an unenviable place... Almost universally despised, it is now shorn of the last vestiges of support that it might have had...

Before you declare that Shiv Sena was always fighting a losing battle and that its heart was never in the right place, Consider this... Uptil almost 1960, Gujarat & Maharashtra were one state which went by the name of Bombay State... The capital of Bombay State was Bombay, a bilingual Cosmopolitan city, with Gujjus & Marathis as the 2 main communities which vied for power & influence. The Gujaratis had the money, the Marathis had the numerical superiority... Once it was decided that the Bombay state was to be partitioned into a Marathi speaking Maharashtra & a Gujarati speaking Gujarat, the issue of Bombay proved to be a contentious one... Proponents of Marathi statehood (call them Marathi nationalists if you want to) were genuinely concerned that the new state of Maharashtra would be deprived of the city of Bombay , which was to become a Union territory... For any Marathi, Bombay was the epitome of the greatness of a Marathi speaking state... Inspite of the fact that the city was what it was as a result of the efforts of almost all Indians irrespective of caste, or language, Bombay to any Marathi 'manoos' in the 60s was the heart of Maharshtra... And since then, even though a Marathi speaking state with Bombay as its capital came into existence, there has always been a section of population that feels insecure & threatened that Marathi culture & language are under attack by some mysterious evil force...

And at some level, they might not be entirely wrong... Can you imagine being in Chennai and talking in Hindi??..You'd feel socially ostracized to the point that you'd either leave that city or you'd learn Tamil in bits and pieces... Now imagine Mumbai... You wouldn't need to know Marathi to survive Mumbai... Pune, may be... But Mumbai not at all... So, it is not entirely illogical that some persons, you may judge them as bigots and separatists, feel threatened that the Mumbai, they won by sactificing their blood is again slipping out of their hands....

Which brings us to the point of the Shiv Sena... It needs to make up its mind on some points, if it is to remain politcally relevant and not be reduced to the status of a politcal irritant...

1.) What is its ideology?... It can either be Hindutva Or Marathi Nationalism... It can't be both at the same time... Shiv Sena can choose to support the 'Hindu Cause'... or it can support a 'Marathi' Cause...If it chooses the former, then Backward castes from U P should be as much relevant to it as are Marathi Brahmins in Pune...If it chooses the latter, then Muslims in Malegaon should be of as much concern to the Shiv Sena as are Hindus in Kolhapur...

2.) If political relevance is of any concern to Shiv Sena, then it must choose between what can be described as Political Conservatism and Extremism... Being Conservative would mean that they support traditional Hindu/Marathi Values... Being Extremist would imply that they would impose those values on others...

3.) And Finally, Shiv Sena needs to decide who its political Opponents are... Congress with its history of minorityism seems an obvious choice... But the BJP, which is on a similar pseudo-conservative-extremist platform has emerged as a new bete-noire... Shiv Sena can choose to ally itself to Sambhaji Brigade which is Casteist, but at least Marathi or other similar fringe elements...

Shiv Sena can choose to break windows, tables, desks... Set things on fire... Let loose thugs chanting "मराठी माणूस जागा हो !"... assault couples & lovers... or it can choose to find Political Relevance which would actually further the cause of Marathi Manoos....The choice is theirs to make!