Amar Sonar Mamta Di!

So far my stay in the city of joy has been quite uneventful... The induction seems to be dragging on and the initial euphoria related to market visits and observing sales has been replaced by a sense of monotony...However, everything changed on the evening of the 18th of October. When I was leaving the guest house to board my flight that day, little did I know, I was unwittingly landing up in a never-happened to me before adventure, an adventure, that left me gasping for breath in the end.

It all began on the evening of the 18th, I returned early from office to pack up my stuff and leave for the airport straightaway. The original plan went thus-

1. Leave office at 3:45
2. Reach Guest House by 4
3. Pack, Relax, Sleep, Eat till 5:30
4. Leave for airport at 5:30
5. Stop at Ulta Danga wala Haldiram to shop for sweets
6. Reach airport by 7-7:15
7. Board the 7 50 flight and reach Dilli by 10
However, as my luck and Mamta Di would have it, that was not meant to be. Here is the sequence of events that happened that left me shivering and shuddering!!
1. Left Office at 3 30, reached guest house at 3:45
2. Decided to shop for sweets at Garihat itself (Had been bored sick of cribbing about Haldiram sweets, which incidentally are available anywhere in the country)
3. Returned to Guesthouse by 4:30
4. Packed and left the Guesthouse at 5:15 to pick up sweets from Haldiram only
5. At 5:30, the taxi comes to a grinding halt at a place around 3 kms from the Guesthouse, I don't even bother looking outside, assuming that it is an evening trafiic jam
6. 5 minutes later, as curiousity gets the better of me, I realize that its a "Chokka Jam" by Mamtadi, who is (as usual) prtesting about something
7. Its almost 6 now, when the whole picture becomes clear... Mamta Di, in her infinite wisdom, has decided to blockade all routes to and from airport and Howrah station. So, there is NO detour possible. My driver makes it a point to tell me " Agar aapki kismat acchi hogi toh aapko flight mil jayegi"
8. Nervous, I call up IndiGo people, planning to get the ticket cancelled and book an early morning flight, however, cancellatiojns shut 2 hours before departure, so I would end up losing money anyway!!
9. At 6:20 ,As I fret and fidget inside my car, I realize that something drastic needs to be done, if I am to have a chance of making it to the airport in time.
10. I take my luggage, and Off I am... Walking amidst the traffic... I would have walked some 2-3 kilometers, when I flagged down a rikshaw who drops me another2 kms ahead. By now, it is 6:50, 1 hour for my flight. I am now, around 30 mins away from the airport.
11. At this time, the traffic suddenly starts moving, someone in that perambulating mass of humanity yells that the Chokka Jam has been lifted. I flag down a taxi, and soon we are away!
12. Not for long though, 10 mins into the taxi ride and the Taxi comes to a grinding halt, once more. Now the Chokka Jam has been replaced by Traffic Jam, as all cabs try to jostle with each other in their rush to reach the airport.
13. At 7:20, we start again, taking the longer New Rajarhat route, which would be traffic free. It is a fast drive indeed, and as I start to settle down to the idea, that i will make it, the car stops once more. It is 7:30 now and we are hardly 10 minutes drive away from the airport.
14. As far as the eye can see, there are vehicles, of every type and colour with people inside them fretting and worrying, the drivers honking incessantly and peeping out of their windows to inform their passengers that it will be a while before they can "make a move"
15. Desperate, I call up IndiGo people again, begging them to "Hold the flight". Thankfully, I am informed that the flight will take off 10 mins later. That gives me a total of 20 mins to reach the airport.
16. The traffic crawls at a snail's pace. The whole plan of buying sweets has since long been abandoned. I am sitting in the car, praying, seating... Just hoping to make it in time, somehow.... Diwali away from home is not my idea of fun....
17. the car moves, slowly.... but steadily and I am at the airport at 7:55! My baggage is not checked and the boarding pass is issued in a matter of seconds...I am rushed to the security check, where I deposit my cell and my laptop in that dabba
18. By the time I am through with the check and go to reclaim my belongings, I realize that my cell is missing... someone else has picked it up (willfully most probably)...
19. I am now totally depressed... this is like the worst trip in the history of bad trips... I keep calling my no. (which I don't remember, so I had to first ask my folks what my number was!) which doesn't get answered...
20. Cursing, swearing and hating myself, I board the plane, dump my luggage, when I suddenly hear an old gentleman tellling someone over the phone that he has taken someone else's phone... I rush to him and ask him to hand my phone over... It turns out that he has returned the phone to the Ground team...
21. I rush out of the plane, with the Air Hostess trying to block me (the first time ever that I have elbowed an air hostess!) screaming "My phone"... " My phone"... Snatch it out of a ground crew member who is standing some distance away.... Flash my photo in front of him because he refused to buy the argumen that it indeed was my phone... and rush back into the plane!...
I am off the ground in 2 minutes!

Cattle Crass!!!

Mr. Tharoor's sarcastic description of the millions of Economy class travellers may have ruffled quite a few feathers in the Congress Party, but I, for one, totally support this "creative" description of the "Toiling Masses", that the now disgraced Mr. Tharoor ascribes to some Journalist... Take for example this case... I flew to Kolkata the day before in Early Morning Indigo Flight from Bangalore... Thanks to a particularly inefficient Security Check, I was one of the last few to board the flight, which by that time was obviously full.... One look at those tired, haggled masses, with bloodshot eyes suddenly awakened me to the concept concocted by that Journalist and made famous by Mr. Tharoor's tweet...

We all are after all Cattle Class aren't we?... I mean, even Cattle get worshipped in this Country, but the Cattle Class aren't even that lucky!... The closest comparison that I can draw with the scene in the flight is with Cattle (once again!) who are herded into a truck to be sent to the Slaughter house... This would be an apt example, because, with the rising number of Near Death Experiences that Air-travellers have these days, Aeroplanes have become a kind of Pseudo-Slaughterhouses....One will certainly have to credit Mr. Tharoor with enlightening the Masses with such a revolutionary concept and making them realize the futile existence they lead... God willing, The Cattle Class, inspired by this Crass remark will do something about their pointless, painful Continuation on the face of this planet!!

I am currently in the "City of Joy" for my next stint, And it is Joy Galore indeed... I could not have been there at a more opportune moment..It is the height of all festivities with the Pujo.. and then Diwali...Having been to Kolkata on earlier occasions, This was one city that I thought would fit best with the "Cattle Class" description...But its a completely new city now... Colourful... Excited... Cheerful... Those who've not seen Kolkata during Pujo have actually not seen the city!!

Anyways... Shubho Bijoyadashami!!

What a pickle!

A Pertinent Question: If I am dreaming of cigarette production indices in my sleep, trying to memorize obscure numbers of workmen when I am awake, and if my day is spent in running from one machine operator to the other in trying to understand the nature of their jobs, does that mean that my work life has finally taken over whatever other life, howsoever uninteresting & mundane, that I had???

This phase of my life (as also my training) is called Fighting for Survival... As I sprint from one Review to the other, disappointing the evaluators and just barely managing to scrape through, I wonder, Shouldn't Work be a bit more fun... I know the answer to that question is that this thought never occurred in the last 2 months, when work was less and time pass more, but still....I think its a little unfair to expect a poor chap like me to remember all the obscure operations of the factory... Add to it the projects....Expectations run very high among the assessors, but there never is an attempt to understand the constraints...And the allegations! How they make my blood curdle!

Anyways.... With all the effort that is going into work these days, has meant working hours extended beyond the usual 6'o clock.... Hungry and tired, I stay in the factory, till late in night, trying to figure out some mystical production technology that has so far eluded my understanding.... A positive side effect of this may be some weight loss, however slight... That at least would be something to cheer about in this otherwise gloomy phase...

Life's like that :)

How the mighty have fallen!

I believe it is safe to declare that the Bhartiya Janata Party is no more. And with this has come to an end an era of the might of the right!....Love it or Hate it, you'd have to agree that the BJP was the only viable alternative to Congressraj and in its heydays, it gave the Congress quite a run for its money. From 1996, when Vajpayee was chosen to lead the first Non-Congress government till 2004, when shockingly it failed to return to power, BJP symbolized a union of nationalism, middle class aspirations and regional sentiments. Until 1999, nobody believed that a khichdi sarkar propped up with the support of regional parties could ever last in this country, the fact that the NDA lasted its full term, prompted alliance-averse parties like the Congress to seek partners, ultimately using BJP's own tactics to humble it.

For many, BJP represented an entire generation brought up on Anti-Congresseism. From Indira Gandhi's witless emergency to Rajiv's multi-million Bofors Scam. In those days many believed that half of India's woes would end if only Congress could be thrown out of power. After all, what had Congress delivered to the people in 50 years?- Poverty, Illiteracy and Corruption!! However, the alternatives to Congress were not easy to come by. The khichdi Janata Party Sarkar was probably the worst example of a non-Congress dispensation. As its ministers squabbled amongst themselves, the much despised Indira Gandhi re-emerged as Bharat ki beti and swept the carpet under Janata's feet by returning to power. Even the most optimistic of Congress bashers acceded that there could be no India without Congress. The National Front governments led by Chadrashekhar & VP Singh were hardly better. They ensured the return of Congress government, in spite of the Sri Lanka fiasco, The Punjab militancy and the Bofors scandal.

Those who allege that BJP could not have become a mass party without its militant Ram Janmabhoomi Aandolan are not completely without reason. In 1984, BJP held 2 seats in the Lok Sabha, by 1991, it controlled 120 seats. However, the fact is that BJP rode to power not on the backs of Kar Sevaks but inspite of them. Middle Class India abhors miltant communalism and yet they voted for BJP en masse in 1996. For them, BJP symbolized change, a break from the past that they were willing to forget. 2 years later, BJP emerged as the champion of middle classes and liberalization and formed the first stable non-congress regime at the centre. Pokhran, Relations with the US, Kargil, IT Boom, Bharat Uday are all souvenirs of that era.

And look how today the mighty have fallen... Leaders squabbling among themselves, Accusations flying everywhere, Veterans being forced to quit.... BJP today is as bereft of ideology as was Congress under Sitaram Kesari...As mother RSS dithers and watches its own creation tear itself apart, one can only wonder if BJP will ever recover!

Kaisi Paheli Zindagani!

Its been almost a month and a half since I set foot in namma Bengalooru. Since then I have been lootoed by Nokia, Reebok & Sony. This article, my dear friends, is the Dastaan-e-Sad Life...

Act 1- Guy gets his first salary... He is super excited... He sees a Nokia 5800 Touchphone ad on TV... He knows this is what he wants from his first salary... Super excited and in a hurry, He ends up at a Tata Croma... Has a look at the phone... and he knows this is it!... To hell with the price... This is FIRST SALARY also known as Splurging entitlement... He buys the phone... He calls up people... Tells them about his biiig Splurge... He is super-proud of his latest possession... He shows it around.. Always keeps it in a case... and deliberately keeps it on LOUD mode in office,hoping that someone would comment on its superb sound quality.... Just when he thought life is awesome, Tragedy strikes... The Lords of Horizons decide that it is time to bring this fellow back on ground... The Touch system fails...The phone is reduced to a dabba... The guy is embarrassed...He can't possibly tell people that his HUGE boasts about the phone have fallen flat... He calls up the service center... and there goes his sweet possession...Never to be the same again!!!.....The 'Sukh', so to speak, of his GRAND SPLURGE lasts a total of 7 days!

Act 2- Guy decides to purchase new shoes... He goes to a Reebok outlet and picks the best of the lot, thinking that since the first splurge doesn't technically count as it didn't reap the desired 'Sukh'....He shows off his new shoes at the office, on the shop floor and is ready to put his best foot forward,literally!! Once again, the Lords of the Horizon deem it fit to teach this fellow a lesson, since, clearly, he hasn't learnt enough from the past!... One fine day, while walking in the factory, the shoe tears apart at the seam, leaving his foot more or less visible... He calls up the service center!... And there goes his latest crush!.... For a total of 7 days!!!...

Act 3- Just when the guy issued an embargo on any further purchases, tragedy struck once more... His beloved Sony MP3 player, that had been functioning perfectly for months and months, passed away... Suddenly... Out of the blue... All that rests with him is the corpse of a device that was the source of music in the absence of the phone!!! And there goes the former love of his life!!.... Dropping dead... Leaving him in the middle of nowhere...

Anyways, So thats more or less how I spend my weekends these days... Going from service center to service center... Cajoling them, Yelling at them, threatening them that they'll see me next in Consumer Court!

Ain't life a bitch!!! :D

Tales from the Crypt I - The Boss

It is an event as rare as the blue moon

I fear to talk about it lest I jinx it so soon
Ah! for days on end I have waited for this
The boss is on a leave, & life is suddenly a bliss...

For hours today, I have played the part of a judge
Hearing the case of butt Vs chair cushion, the day is spent as such
After hearing carefully, the opinions of the warring sides (i.e. the butt & the cushion)
I conclude that it is best that the two unite...

But the boss, alas, he always chooses to differ
He believes that the two should be kept away from each other
Hence, I have been reduced to, in the last few days
To the status of a nomad, wandering from place to place...

The boss loves to drop in every now and then
To remind us that that there have been better men
who've dazzled him with their work and devotion
And that my intelligence is just a false notion...

And then there are the dreaded reviews
And my responses to his questions always end up melting his fuse
He is torn apart whether to laugh or to cry
I am sure, he'll put all this in the appraisal on the sly...

He wonders aloud how the future will be
When nincompoops like me start running companies
Ultimately, he gives up and says
Get lost and don't show me your face...

My North Indian Dosas!

Its been a total of  15 days South of the Vindhyas in Bengalooru and already I am missing the life up North... Apparently, everything that is done in the North is a subject of ridicule in the South... Take for instance, the diet!.... Apparently, South Indians are befuddled at the way we eat our daal and rotis... They are at a complete loss to understand how can the North Indians eat the same daal and roti 24*7*365... Its like some weird reversal of the jokes that do the rounds in the North... You know... Like the way they eat chawal with rassam... you know... with the slurps and the rassam dripping on to the arms and stuff... Another joke would be the Tamil translation for Spoon... I believe one research that has been going on for 36 years has yet to yield a result....


For, In the South, They pride themselves on their Sambhars ( I have been told there are some 20 varieties of it) and Rassams... and Dosas.... And these Dosas are not the counterfeit North Indian Dosas... You know... Like Paneer Dosa (Which is delicious).... and Mysore Dosa (Which apparently is a fake).... and millions of other Dosas that endear us in the North to the Southern Gastronomy....

With 15 days of Dosas and Idlis and Sambhars behind me... All I wanna say is that I like the South as it is in the North... You know... with the fakes and the counterfeits... and Dosas prepared in Punjabi style....

Long live the great divide...

C'est la vie!

Almost 10 days into Sonar Bangla and one thing is clear... I really don't mind a life like this... but I wouldn't want to work hard and achieve it.... I think this is the way life should be... Someone else should be always working hard so that you may have a comfortable life.... I mean, to live like a king is easy only if you don't have to work like one.... Consider these stats-

1. Being put up in a luxurious 7 star hotel with valets and housekeepers and receptionists falling head over heels to ensure that you are most comfortable...
2. The meals are exotic dishes whose names it is impossible to recollect.... I mean, the fruit juices are so fresh and pure that you just can't have one...
3. The bath tub is a luxury that comes complimentary with bubble bath....and I don't know why people like it so much, all that I can say is that watching TV while in bath is a wholly different experience...
4. I have never seen a more instant(er) way of weight reduction than the Sauna.... I can vouch for the fact that you lose almost half a kilo and the loss maintains itself till the next meal...
5. Being in AC 24*7 means that even the barest minimum of outside weather can make you sweat like a pig!

Now that I am done bragging about the "Experience" @ Sonar Bangla, here is the flip side....-

1. I just can't get it how people pick up stuff using forks and weid shaped spoons... I mean I keep dropping it on the buffet table all the time... and after the third successive failed attempt, just drop my head and am forced to move on to the next item...
2. I have been wondering if its cheap to ask for another drink ( I mean fruit juice and milk shakes) when you aren't done with the first?
3. How does one eat all this food without using one's hands? I mean the forks and knives just dont have the same impact... Plus, if you eat with hands, you can savour the food for a longer time!
4. Being in AC 24*7 means that the kidneys function overtime....This translates into forced march outs in the middle of lectures, much to the chagrin of the instructors, most of whom are very senior managers...
5. There is this sinking feeling I get when I try to sleep, may be its just that the bed is too fluffy, or that I am just too fat... And I don't rerally like to hoist myself out of the bed, which is what I am forced to do!!!

So, in conclusion, I am all for luxurious life and royal treatment... But I don't suppose the whole idea opf having to slog for it excites me much....

R.I.P

It seems (sadly!) that my fling with rural Bihar is not over.... If indications are anything to go by, I am quite certain that I would end up in the land where time stands still yet people age rapidly.... Yep!... Munger it just might be again!....

Anyways, In order to prepare myself for such an eventuality (or is it catastrophe?), I have drawn up a  list of reasons that may result in Munger becoming my final resting ground

1.) An angry worker upset at moi for trying to teach him to converse in English/ French (Those of you who know me would agree that I tend to do that.... A LOT!!!)....

2.) A workers' mob angry at Raj Thackrey/ Uddhav Thackrey for bashing up a couple of more of the workers' fellow statemates would mete out the same treatment to moi after realizing that I come from Thackreyland!

3.) A typical Mungeri 'Wet' party might result in (it almost did during summers) me being thrown in front of a Real Live dog which would be unleashed subsequently....While those who are drunk would enjoy the scene I would die of bite injuries and  even before that probably of cardiac arrest!...

4.) A typical Mungeri "Workers' " party might result in a drunken drive on the banks of the Ganges.... The car would probably spin out of control and I would get a 'River burial'

5.) There are a lot of dogs on the route between the factory and the township... These dogs (as far as I experienced during summers) go berserk during the night....a dog-fearing man like myself might have to walk back from the factory an ungodly hours.... I shudder to think what would happen

6.)Munger lies in the Naxal Zone... Period!

Finally, all I want to say is that it was nice knowing you.... Adieu!

(P.S- This doesn't mean that the blog is dead... )

Votenama

Well, the last of the votes have been counted and the verdict is crisp and clear... It is a resounding win for the Congress led United Progressive Alliance and a severe drubbing for the BJP led NDA and the Communist led Thrid Front....The farcical rag tag alliance of foes turned friends calling themselves the Fourth Front has been eliminated as a politically relevant force. So, as the Political Parties count their gains and mourn their losses, here is a why's why of who won/lost where and how-

1.) The electorate has overwhelmingly voted to retain a Centrist Alliance that represents the needs and the aspirations of this diverse nation the best. The Congress with a 200+ tally has received a resounding verdict for governance from the nation

2.) The NDA with Narendra Modi as its PM in waiting and the Mandir Idol LK Advani as the PM has been completely decimated. This is BJP's worst showing in the Lok Sabha since 1991 when it won 120 seats. Varun Baba's 'Chopping hands' speech may have helped the BJP retain Pilibhit but has certainly cost them dearly.

3.) Nitish Kumar's JD(U) has razed Laloo's Caste Castle in Bihar. Laloo finds himself Politically irrelevant in the 15th Lok Sabha. Even more surprising is the fate of Bihar Strongman Ram Vilas Paswan who lost his own seat and who unlike Laloo did not contest from another seat.

4.) Amma's belated sympathy with Lankan Tamils did not endear the electorate to her. DMK has retained its grip over Tamil Nadu.

5.) MamtaDi has emerged as the CommieKiller. The Left finds its Red bastion in Bengal in shambles.The Mahajot has finally trounced the sickle and the hammer. The left has the lowest ever tally in the Lok Sabha!...

6.) Even Royalty in the form of Vasundhara Raje couldn't save the BJP from the drubbing it has received at the hands of the resurgent Congress.

7.) Chiru, KSR and Chandrababu troika only helped the Congress retain power in AP and contribute to its Lok Sabha Kitty.

8.) The Shankh has been sounded in Orissa where the victorious BJD has returned to power stronger than even before. The myth of BJP-RSS power in that state has been shattered. BJP even lost Kandhamal, where the anti Christian riots were supposed to have resulted in a Hindutva Wave

9.) Delhi has once again been swept by the Congress inspite of BJP fielding several strong candidates. BJP finds itself challenged in even its strongholds in the city.

10.) And yes, the electorate has stated clearly that Caste Politics can only take one so far.... Behenji's dreams to become India's next PM or at least the King Maker proved as illusory as Advani's dream to lead the nation!